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Still Struggling

I am not sure when it will get easier but I hope soon.  I am still not well.  Forgetful, tired, and generally sad trying to deal with what happened, but I’m not sure what there is to deal with.  I feel sick when I want him because how can you love someone who hurts you, and am disgusted with myself for wanting to talk to him and understand.  What is there to understand?  Every professional I speak with tells me the same thing…he has no remorse. Then they ask, “did he ever” and the honest answer to that is no.  He never said sorry until he was caught and he never said it because he was sorry about what he did he was just sorry it hurt me so him hurting me over his lies was really my problem.  He never came forth with anything….so no he never ever was really sorry, but the road always leads to me because I stayed…I keep posting these photos…last night a friend pointed out something I wasn’t really aware of – she asked me to look at my own photos because they were indicative of much more than just him slamming me into a wall.

She said this was an angry person who wanted to really hurt you.  I think it’s that, that I am trying to reconcile.  Looking back there were a handful of incidents that I can say he scared me.  It was the same glassy eyes he had the night he, full of anger and hate.  The first time he stared at me like that he was screaming and slamming the door to leave. I think he knew he had a temper. It was the first time I had seen so much anger in him.  Other times were when he would just throw things around.  Kitchen utensils, or paper he was holding, and lots of slamming doors.  He would also jerk the car around with me in the passenger seat when he was mad.  I would ask him to stop because of the problems I have already but he never listened.  He called me cunt once and most recently told me to find my way home loud enough when everyone at the restaurant could hear.  It’s important I remember these things because you don’t do this to someone you love. I don’t think he has any sort of attachment – after all, his own mother called him an asshole behind his back the very first time I met her…all because he was walking ahead of us.  His ex wife said that he was detached and didn’t think about anyone but himself.  In all honesty I think he has a lot of fear because he was never allowed to feel.  He was never allowed to process what he was going through.  He was told to suck it up or a new scenario was scripted putting him at fault.  We are all dysfunctional with baggage and I sincerely hope for his sons sake that he seeks real help.

 

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2 thoughts on “Still Struggling”

  1. Thank you so much for saying that. I question my own reality. He has done such a number on me – I had no idea he had driven me so insane. I’m having a rough night. Since my concussion symptoms persist I have to have further testing. It’s been almost 7 months. I hate him but I hate myself more. I hate that I let him do this to me. That I didn’t trust my gut. That I didn’t leave when I knew he was a liar.

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