I had an eye opening appointment last week trying to understand what makes the abuser I was with tic. He didn’t fit the profile of a typical narcissist or someone with conflict avoidance since he had both traits. I am not a psychologist nor was the abuser ever examined but what I described of my relationship with him and how I was treated the expert said he could very likely be an introvert-narcissist whose favorite form of lying is to omit. That blew my mind because that’s exactly what the abuser did to me and others over and over again since he doesn’t believe omitting is lying. My heart dropped when the the professional described the abuser as nothing but a violent criminal reminding me of my medical issues and stating that under no certain terms assaulting someone is ever justified.
I needed to understand what makes someone so callous and cold to show no remorse or compassion. I have allowed my self worth to be valued by what he says or does, but as all the professionals from the domestic abuse advocate who held my hand through the criminal procedure, to the prosecutor, to my therapist, to my doctors, and to friends and strangers and acquaintances, have unanimously said that he isn’t any different from men who are abusive, and that he will never have remorse because he is not capable of feeling regret or assuming responsibility. That’s hard for me to digest and sadly I am learning the hard way that no amount of texts I send saying how much I hate him for what he did or contacting his “therapist” who I predict he’s managed to fool, forwarding his emails or other “proof” that he has no interest in real therapy, and is showing up once a week to fill his anger management requirement courses as ordered by the court, only hurts me. I was forced to digest this painful realization with the encouragement from a kind individual who urged me to shift my focus on healing versus waiting for him to show remorse or compassion since it was only hurting me and holding back my progress in healing. I am realizing that staying angry is my way of avoiding and trying to justify to myself for having been with such a con artist who I gave myself to. I am trying to distract myself from my own pain of having to face how I could have stayed in something that has caused so much physical damage that my daily life has been impacted in such a horrid way. I realized it’s time to forgive myself and move forward.
So, today, March 5, 2017, is my new beginning. He’s dead in my book. He’s someone I only have business to address with. He’s a violent and abusive criminal who no longer deserve my attention and I will focus using this blog as a way to share the journey of healing and learning to make better choices. I am looking forward to next week when I start a domestic violence group to gain support, learn to set and stick to boundaries, and learn to act on my gut. I will use this blog as a way to hopefully help others in the same situation because I finally get that this isn’t about the abuser, it’s about us and why we choose to be with, and stay in relationships with people who are toxic and poisonous.
Below are articles describing who I was with and what I had to deal with on a regular basis.