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PTSD

I acknowledge I am not over wishing he would take ownership of what he did.  I realize I am still unhealthy because I am putting my happiness in his hands.  I realize that I allowed for him to break me, to tell me I was worthless over and over and over again.

I broke down in physical therapy today.  I’m struggling with moving my eyes to the left.  I can’t seem to catch a break and rest my brain so progress has been slow.  Anyway, I was asked to look left while she held my head still – I couldn’t tolerate it for more than 15-to 20 seconds before I burst out crying covering my face having a panic attack, unable to breath.  I realized looking left puts me right back in that corner the night he assaulted me. All of the sudden I realized that the abrupt motion to the left is what’s coming up – I don’t have the answers but it may be because after he threw me against the wall and I hit my head he then slapped me so in addition to whatever is going on neurologically I am having flashbacks.  I’m sad.  I’m sad this is happening to me but I will continue to remember what I was told after I pressed charges, that people like Vince will never ever have remorse,  acknowledge their crime let alone say sorry.  The domestic violence counselor, the prosecutor, the therapists, the doctors and friends all say that people who resort to violence are just sick and incapable of remorse and not to allow for him to steal more than what he already has.  They tell me not to let that one day define who I am or define my life.  In all honesty, I don’t know how to do that yet, but I have no choice but to get there.

I hope someday I can feel sorry for him or not feel anything.  The man lost it because he couldn’t keep the lies going considering he lives in the past caring more about not upsetting his ex or mother who tried over and over and over again to cause problems, which would have been okay but he never drew any boundaries and only tried to please everyone by lying.  In short, I stopped letting him lie and he lost hit.  I should have walked after the first year.  Should have not tolerated it for 5 years but hey, I’ve obviously got my own problems.

He lied and lied and lied and his actions were consistent in demonstrating I never counted, but it’s my fault I stayed so long. In the end he slammed me into that wall with so much force that it has caused devestating damage that I am reminded of him every single second of  day.  He is so arrogant he thinks my desire for contact is because I still want him when in reality all I want is a sincere apology and show of remorse.  He doesn’t seem to take what he did seriously – my life has changed and every day is a struggle because I can’t do the most simplest chores.  I can’t drive, I can’t play on the swings, I can’t play basketball with my son…I can’t look to the left, I have headaches, I was depressed, I am…blah blah blah…the list of “I can’t” is long.  Yes, I feel bitter because he gets to move on telling me talking to me about my medical needs causes stress for him.  I am angry because he can plan his future and his bike trips and his vacations while my life is on idle until I can look to the left without feeling sick.  I want him to show he is sorry.  I want him to genuinely care but he isn’t capable.  His mother did a number on him never allowing him to ever feel or process. He grew up being told to “suck it up.” She never assumes responsibility for anything that came out of her mouth nor any of her actions.  I have never met someone so cold and callous, her and his ex are women I only heard about, and sadly he couldn’t detangle himself from their poisonous web by setting boundaries so he lived in the past while destroying the now.  How many ex wives ask their ex husbands if they are sleeping with their girlfriend. REALLY!  I should have left…I should have left I should have left I should have left after the first time he lied….but I didn’t so here I am.

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3 thoughts on “PTSD”

  1. This is so horrible for you. Have you been away from him long? The longer you are away from him the easier it might get to process everything and work through the ptsd. My thoughts are with you.

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