Abuser, My Story, Uncategorized

Fear

My head cracked the glass on this photo.

My abuser uses fear to get to me.  He does this every time I break from him.  It’s subtle but it’s certainly there so I’m panicked.  In sum, I was with this man for 5 years. He lied a lot, but didn’t think he was lying because he was omitting major details like not having decided he had yet agreed with his wife to divorce.  While that happened 3 months after we began dating he spent the next 4 years trying to improve all the things she had found wrong with him. He treated me like the other woman when I wasn’t.  So, on December 21, 2016 he lost it and threw me against a wall in our apartment, which I am still trying to heal from.  I can’t discuss what happened next because the court records are sealed but this man manipulated to doing what was best for him in another legal matter.  I finally pressed charges and truth be hold I continued to email him telling him how much I hated him. For the first time in my life I was depressed, so depressed I wanted to die.  Funny things happen after a concussion.  He decided to risk his bond and we began seeing each other 2 weeks after his arrest, but as I suspected he was trying to butter me up so I drop the charges.  What I learned this weekend was that in addition to try and manipulate me by gifts, flowers and being attentive, he was also plotting to file harassment and extortion charges against me.  Him and his lawyers had come up with a defense that he was trying to restrain me.  I am still in shock over how I can be so stupid to have fallen for it again because as soon as his hearing was over, and as soon as he got his plea and scared me into not being able to talk to him for a year since that was part of the plea agreement, the flowers stopped, the gifts stopped and so did his affection.  In looking back I would say some of the emails and texts we exchanged look horrible from a third party perspective, but what he didn’t tell his lawyers was that he had dangled tons of money attached to a confidentiality agreement in front of me, which I was willing to take to be able to leave, but then something would always happen and there was a delay and like a fool I said stupid things.  Truth was I never wanted to have anything to do with him.  I wanted to leave but all he was doing was playing me so that he could take care of his other legal issues and had to intention of ever going through with what he put forth.  I endured a lot over the last couple of months – I had no use for him anymore so he was very cruel, but he is also very smart.  So, after my discovery this weekend I finally ended it but outed him to his ex wife, his family because he has been lying to all of us. He plays the victim with them…it probably shouldn’t have mattered and I was stupid to have continued to see him, and if my concussion that he gave me wasn’t enough to realize how heartless and inhuman he was, seeing he was capable of throwing me into a legal mess knowing my condition and the fact that I financially struggle, certainly sobered me up.  The only hope I have is that he realizes if he does anything to me now it will reflect poorly on him when it’s time to address the damages he’s done to me.  I’m scared.  Really really scared but I also realize this is why I stayed in it so long.  As I sit through the discomfort of the fear of having done something wrong or that maybe he’s right, it is me, and wanting to send email after email begging him to let me know of his plans, I realize that’s exactly how the trap worked and how I stayed in it for as long as I did.

 

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