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Ups and downs…

Seems like it’s been more downs than ups the last few days. For starters I may have to take a break from physical therapy since each time I go I have a panic attack brought on by the trauma of that night. Vince recollection of that night is much different than mine. He refers to what happened as restraining me because I was out of control, and naturally that has really bothered me because that’s not what happened. If anything it adds insult to injury since this has been the most difficult time in my life, tougher than my separation from my husband whom I have two kids with.  The physical assault itself has left my body and mind damaged so terribly that I am depressed and in a dark place. I was scared last night with the uncomfortable thoughts that were swarming around in my head for most of the day so I decided to call the suicide hotline.  It’s frightening primarily because I have never in my life have had any thoughts like that, but I have also never felt so worthless and devalued as a human being as I have since the incident.  The counselor I spoke to was incredibly kind and said “there isn’t anything you could have said or done to have provoked him to have “pushed” you so hard that you now have brain injury.” I had never thought about it that way, but at the end of the day, a concussion is brain trauma.  And I have that.  So, back to physical therapy…I can’t yet turn my head to look left 10 times in a row yet  because by the time I get to 4 or 5 I am having a panic attack unable to breath and sobbing uncontrollably.  If I stop for a few weeks then my recovery is slowed and all I want is to feel alive, and to put this nightmare behind me.

I’m also learning TM and for someone who was skeptical I am now a believer – it’s easy and it works.  http://www.tm.org/transcendental-meditation

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