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Sigh…

It’s hard to face that the person you thought you loved didn’t really exist, but avoiding that reality has only caused more pain because I kept going back hoping behind those mesmerizing eyes was a human being with a heart.  The reality of going back and forth and keeping in contact was just another way of avoiding the violence of that night and the reality that he’s not capable of loving anyone. I wanted him to really be sorry but instead he turned things around and showed no mercy for the damages he had inflicted upon me, which I continue to deal with.   In essence I was prolonging the inevitable of having to face having loved someone that wasn’t real, but most importantly I learned I have to have mercy for myself and enough love and respect to forgive myself, and concentrate on healing. I have to keep remembering that nothing about him was real- nothing about him was authentic-the words in his letters and cards that sucked me back in were just words.  His actions never demonstrated love and partnership.  I’m going to live through the pain and discomfort this time around because I want more for myself.  More later…

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