Thoughts

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Trying To Understand Why I Struggle When Others Tell Me I Am Strong

Thank you for this! This is exactly how I feel.

A Broken Blue Sky

Hands

If someone has a fear of public speaking and then finds the courage to do so, that is strength

If you lose your leg and wearing a prosthesis, run a marathon, that is strength and grit

If you have a fear of flying and overcome that fear and travel anyway, that is courage and strength

If you suffer trauma that has never been validated, NEVER, and you are forced to appear outwardly okay in order to feel accepted; and if you ever did let your emotions show you got hurt further and abused more…

And when this happened so much that the facade became automatic and all the while you are dying inside, living an emotionally tortured life…

This is NOT strength, this is survival!

We would never say to someone who just lost their child or their spouse, “You look great, I am glad to see you are doing…

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Psychological abusers don’t go for the weak —

Psychological abusers don't go for the weak — they choose strong people because they 'like a challenge' Lindsay Dodgson pecaphoto77 / Shutterstock Victims of psychological abuse are often strong, confident, and successful. This is because abusers are attracted to someone they think will be a "challenge" to break. People with certain personality traits can change… Continue reading Psychological abusers don’t go for the weak —

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Buried by the Burden

Blindfolds Hiding Diamonds

779af58291e5ce988fcded06c34a8866-running-away-body-partsI am buried by the burden

Crushed by the weight of my past

Haunted by endless memories

Softly caressed by all the beautiful ones

Then assaulted by a wave of sharp agony

That carries the reality

Of the fact that those times are gone

Those people are lost

They are dust under my bare feet

Nothing more

(This piece was written to ‘Buried by the Burden’ by Pacific Heights feat. Louis Baker)

This poem was inspired by the word prompt ‘BURY‘ at The Daily Prompt

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A relationship with a Narcissist is a desperate and disabling relationship where you are always feeling vulnerable, worthless, hated, constantly explaining yourself, silenced, punished, fearful, and traumatized. What is it that you are actually doing wrong? Nothing! WHY do you keep returning then?

“When we allow the Narcissist to have communication with us just what is the cost as it concerns us? They never apologize, so we accept the blame from whatever chaos they initiated to create another argument. We have to because there is no other option as we have been conditioned into believing AND we accept it in the hopes of fixing the relationship. They may make you believe that they are offering an apology but that is just to pull you back into the abuse. What was actually going on when you were left in silence after the last argument? Were they visiting their mother perhaps (like they may say they were) or were they visiting extra or new supply (the very truth in my situation!) If you were to try to reconcile whatever the event was that led to another argument or the silencing/separation, there is never any resolution and you are always left feeling like you are the bad person, jealous, or crazy AND nothing is ever resolved. You are blamed for pushing them away perhaps when you didn’t even start the argument because it just came out of nowhere! Perhaps you were accused of something you NEVER did – I was always accused of something and that was just the Narcissist projecting. This happens so many times that there is just layer upon layer of this same behavior buried deep inside of you and unreconciled but you keep going back. One day they WILL totally discard you and the reality that THEY were doing everything you suspected is now the truth standing right in front of you. Why didn’t we just follow our intuitions? Their constant making up with us was just a form of manipulation, brainwashing, AND torture to create more of their dysfunctional chaos to manage us down completely and keeping us dependent on them until they were done with us or completely drained us and we were no longer viable supply.”

WOW! That’s exactly how it works.

After Narcissistic Abuse

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @http://www.amazon.com

 

Do some of these behaviors seem to be familiar or similar to what you experienced after one of the many fights or breakups with your Narcissist or perhaps after the discard? You check the phone constantly, believing you missed a call from them or thinking perhaps that you have lost your signal. You seem to sit and wait and wait for their call, text or some form of communication from them. Because of the lack of response from your Narcissist (perhaps ANOTHER argument) you are hoping most every day that you will get that call or a text saying how he/she is SO sorry, and that they love you, want you back and blah, blah, blah! You have gotten this exact call many times before and it only amounts to the whole…

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Embrace Yourself…

A lovely reminder that at the core it’s all about loving yourself.

Growing Self

“Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are.” ~Brene Brown

It has taken me 45 years to truly learn to love myself. It seems that when many of us look in the mirror, we strive for what we don’t have. Thicker hair. More muscles. A smaller waist. Clear skin. The list goes on and on… We want our “packaging” to be perfect, yet this quest leaves us feeling empty and frustrated. Ten years ago, my journey of “self-acceptance” truly began. What choice did I have? Everything I thought I knew had been turned upside down…

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“In A Messy World”

I came across https://inamessyworld.wordpress.com/page/5/ earlier today and it hit home.  This young woman expresses her journey through depression and anxiety with such honesty and rawness.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who can relate.  I have written mostly about the anger I feel towards the abuser, but reading her words remind me of the pain… Continue reading “In A Messy World”

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Can anyone see me?

In A Messy World

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I want somebody to hold my hand,

Take me out, 

Out of this dark place,

Hug me, 

Hold me, 

Tell me that everything will be alright.

Stand by my side.

Walk this journey with me.

I can’t do this on my own anymore.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on.

I’m alone,

So is there any point in trying?

Nobody can see or hear me. 

I’m going unnoticed,

Falling deeper into this black hole.

The-demons-are-back-and-stronger-than-ever-They-ar

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