On December 21, 2016 I was physically assaulted by my ex-boyfriend of 5 years. I thought he was my soulmate. I wanted to grow old with him. This quiet dragged me through the apartment as if I was a rag doll before he slammed me into a wall where I hit my head breaking the glass on a picture frame. He then slapped my face so hard I can still feel my cheek and ear burning. All I remember is not being able to break free of his grip. I remember his hand on my neck, the same neck which he claims is really not my neck but my shoulder to support his fantasy of what happened. It wasn’t until I hit his glasses off his face that I was able to break free. Well, the bruises on my arms, back and legs all faded, but the humiliation feels like it’s going to stay forever.

The concussion from the assault left me with nausea, headache, dizziness, depression, cognitive and speech issues.   I have had thoughts of suicide, something I have never experienced, and have spent the last several months angry trying to get him to admit what he did was wrong but I realized he can’t, and in the process I saw how ruthless the man I once loved and sometimes think I still love is.  After the assault I wasted more time hoping he take responsibility, but in order for that to happen he would first have to entertain the idea he had done something wrong, but can’t.  He’s not capable. He’s sick.

What initially drove this site was the anger I felt when his friends, family, colleagues, and according to him, even his LPC questioned what I did to provoke him.  It’s infuriating to think people give pass to violence – now they have their panties in a bunch because I dare to talk about what happened and throw it back at them when I ask whether they are going to ask their daughters what they did to provoke their boyfriend/husband/stranger to attack them.  Are they going to ask if their skirt was too short and blame them for being raped?

All I know is that I feel shattered, beaten and broken, but I can’t allow the ignorance of some get the best of me.  They have tried hard to force shame onto me for having been assaulted, but as a counselor once told me, there is nothing  I could have said or done that could have “provoked” anyone to have hurt me so bad to have caused brain trauma.